santa claus arrested, christmas cancelled

Abracadabra Press - Monday, December 17, 2001
Santa Claus Arrested, Christmas Cancelled
by Mike Buckthought

[Read full release via NOWAR forum]

NORTH POLE, Nunavut (A-P) -- An air of gloom settled over this small settlement in Canada's Arctic, as residents learned that Santa Claus was arrested in an Ottawa shopping mall. This afternoon, he was taken to a helicopter on Parliament Hill, and flown to the United States.

Claus faces charges of terrorism before newly-established military tribunals. If convicted, he could face life imprisonment, or even the death penalty. He joins hundreds of other people held for questioning since September.

In Ottawa, Terror Minister Anne N. Vader explained why Claus was arrested and deported to the United States.

"It's clear that Santa Claus is a communist. The red clothes, the rhetoric about giving toys away to children -- only communists believe in sharing," said Vader.

"We are also aware that Claus is in fact using a phony name. His real name is Nicholas -- and he is a foreigner," said Vader, barely concealing her contempt.

Vader said that under new anti-terrorism legislation, Claus is alleged to be a terrorist. By flying into the chimneys of people's homes, Claus may be interfering with an essential service.

"We couldn't wait until all the anti-terror legislation was passed, it was clear that we had to do something before Christmas. We needed to make a preventive arrest, and we needed to do it fast."

Shoppers were shocked when hundreds of police and soldiers in riot gear stormed a downtown Ottawa shopping mall -- and many children started crying, they were overwhelmed by it all.

"At first, I thought it was a joke. It was just like Star Wars, but this was real. They were so mean," said Rebecca Wilson, 7.

Vader defended her forces' use of a concussion grenade and tear gas fired into a crowd of shoppers.

"This is a demockery," said Vader. "In Canada, we are all equal."

"We fire concussion grenades at peace vigils. We fire grenades at people shopping. It is important to keep the peace," she said.

Vader pointed to a table full of "dangerous weapons" confiscated from Claus and the children -- including a teddy bear, a catapult, a large sleigh, two cameras, some buckets, and an unopened bottle of antacid.

"Under the new terrorism laws, we will be able to declare military security zones wherever we want, to force out terrorists," she said.

Critics say the new legislation could interfere with democratic debate, and it could be used against people of colour.

"They are already using preventive arrests, and profiling of people according to their ethnic origins and the clothing they wear," said Noelle Gauthier, a spokesperson for People Against Mean Empires. "People need to take action to stop this legislation."

Gauthier is calling for international pressure to stop what she calls "anti-democratic" laws in the United States, Canada and Britain. She is asking people to write to members of Parliament, senators and newspapers.

She is also calling for an international boycott of goods produced in the United States and its colonies -- until the Empire stops its involvement in what she calls "the war of terror."

"Another attack on Iraq? Ditch the Big Mac, we're fighting back," said Gauthier.

Back at the North Pole, the long winter nights became longer, as people await news about the fate of Mr. Claus, and his struggle with the laws.

"Is he naughty or nice? Here's my advice. We all know that Santa Claus is innocent, he didn't break any laws," said Myra, one of many elves saddened by news of his imprisonment.

She also expressed dismay about the many people who have been impersonating Claus "to advance the cause of capitalism."

"The real Santa Claus isn't about greed. He always talks about the spirit of sharing, and helping people in need," said Myra.

"We all miss him -- I hope they free him soon," she said that day, on a cold afternoon.

-- Mike Buckthought <> lives in Nunavut, in northern North America.

FACT FILE - Canada:

Canada is north of the mainland United States, and east of Alaska. Canada was the second-largest country in the world, but was annexed recently after American troops gathered at the border. It is now an American colony. The colony's Parliament maintains a ceremonial role. Population: 30 million. Major languages: English, French, Chinese.
National Anthem: Amerika Uber Alles, adopted in December 2001.

WEB WATCH - For related news:

American Civil Liberties Union -
Canadian Islamic Congress -
Canadian Parliament -
Common Dreams -
Corpwatch -
Defence of Canadian Liberty - -
Straight Goods -

Copyright (c) 2001, Abracadabra Press. All rights reserved.
Because all news is conjured-up fiction, and magic realism is more real.